Shouldn't he be too young to think about the things he thinks about? "Why do we exist?" has been his most recent thread of thinking. I am not sure if he is looking for the purpose of life itself or the purpose of his own life. He has been recently fascinated by the end of the Universe. He wants to take a time machine to it… the end of the Universe. That's a kids dream, but this is where it began to take a much darker turn. He didn't mean the physical edge of the Universe. He meant the end of the Universe. He wants to see the end of everything.
This was a remark in a long string of things recently. The disturbing things you can't talk about to anyone. It's not for friends. It's quietly talked about away from everyone and results in office visits to therapists. I don't understand why he has dark days. I am doing my best to help him wade through it. We've given it a descriptive name… feeling "black" and he has gone further sometimes to call it "Pitch Black". It's okay to feel bad sometimes, but a seven year old that threatens to hurt himself or worse, is incredibly difficult. It's a parent's nightmare.
He is always intense. He is super happy and then very upset. He is very active or not moving at all. He is on or off; all or nothing. My son's reaction to arguments has changed and it's scary. His temper has become unpredictable and often out of proportion to a situation. Sometimes he hides to crawl up in a ball to cry. He screams that he hates himself. He yells that he wants to die. This sometimes has elevated to threats of throwing himself out of the window, taking sleeping medicine so he wouldn't wake up, choking himself, and cutting himself.
It has also happened at school. His teachers have given special assignments to monitor his mood. I am not sure it is helping. He hides his self-loathing. All of the mood monitoring at home and at school don't show anything in particular. I keep hoping that he is getting better. He seems to be even-keeled until a situation happens that requires him to cope with intense feelings. It shatters that facade.
I am afraid for him. I am afraid for his future to be feeling this way. He's too young. I want to keep him protected and innocent. I want my hugs to help it go away. I wish there was something, anything I could do. I asked him this evening if he still hates himself since he hasn't had any "black days" yet this week. He replied, "Yes".
