The Middle of the Year After Big Changes

Homeschooling has been over for a few months. Dex unexpectedly got a spot at the only middle school he was on the waiting list the day after school started. It was a whiplash event to un-enroll him from the online charter we were all set up to try, to enrolling him, getting school supplies, and sending him off to school in less than 48 hours. It was exciting, yet heartbreaking to see him so nervous to go. He really wanted to go to middle school, but was tearful at the prospect of walking into a school full of kids he didn't know. He was thrust into an experience he wasn't prepared for; a locker, books, finding classrooms while navigating unfamiliar hallways. It was 180 degrees from the quiet, self-pacing of homeschooling.

He came home after the first day with the biggest smile. He was excited to go back. He even said he  liked it better than homeschooling. Fast forward half a year and he's excelling with straight A's. It's been a very engaging experience for him that has supplied him with a lot of friends, as well as the  confidence that he's doing well academically. I'm relieved that the school is rigorous and creative at the same time. He's even able to pursue his love of theater.

The only downside is the piles of homework. He's constantly anxious about having the time to do his homework. It's a tough balance to have after-school activities, and complete the weekly load of homework. I don't think having loads of homework teaches kids anything other than that their personal time isn't theirs. The amount of homework given for the week, is more than what I would assign for a day of homeschool. That's like having a kid for 6 days a week smushed into 5 long days. It really is a concern.

Missy B doesn't have much homework. Her school takes a much lighter approach with 3 small assignments. I like that so much better because it gives her time to have activities and classes for what she is interested in. She is also doing very well at school, but they don't give letter grades (so SF).

We are contemplating switching her to her brother's school, so we can have just one pick-up / drop-off; one holiday schedule; one school to donate to; and so she can dive into her passion for the visual arts. It would be a lot less hassle than what we are enduring this year with the weekday 2 hour / 2 school drop off and pickup commute. Three months ago she was all in for switching, but now, she's resistant because she'll miss her best friend. We have a month to decide.

Tides of Tech

As a woman in tech who's been in the trenches for a couple decades, I've always zigged when people zagged, perhaps to a fault. The first wave of people that built the foundations of the interactivity we have today were altruistic artists who were more about delivering a memorable experience than the ROI. Websites were fun, constantly upping the ante on creativity. A place to explore instead of catering to a few seconds of attention. There weren't schools teaching how to approach designing it. It was true design thinking in that lots of different ideas were used and iterated upon. The big questions were "What is possible?" The dotcom bust killed tons of ideas that were resurrected years later.

The second wave of people were more business savvy and used the creativity to start companies that were honed to make profits. YouTube and Facebook created a gold rush in tech. Interactive split into apps for smart phones and internet marketing. There are a lot more people that are attracted because of the money, not to create something. Well, sure to create something that will makes lots of money, even though the barriers are increasingly being raised as to who can participate. Schools began teaching the theory of interactive design and the salaries became commensurate with tuition paid.

Over the past decade, marketing has changed into a machine that has no room for wonder or engagement that is purely qualitative. The rulers of measurement now have more weight than the message itself. The analytical minds of number crunchers are seen as the way to success because there is something to show, a truth in numbers. Many approaches have become repeatable processes that give quick results without having to think too hard. Anyone can do it. That's awesome, but not likely to turn many heads.

Social media democratized the message to the point that it all became noise. Brands loved it because it was free, until they realized the spigot on "free" was gradually shut. It required advertising dollars to reach the same people that cared enough to want the brand's content. Then the same marketing prowess that made social media a darling became weaponized. We are still in the aftermath. It is too soon to tell what the longterm effects are, but social media will never be the same.

What's next? Bigger and more immersive technology? Will we go all in on augmented reality, mixed reality, or virtual reality? Or will the pendulum swing the other way, and we will again see the value in having real-life human connections? I'm sure some will go all-in on digital. We are raising a generation of digital natives that are already addicted to screens. I am also starting to see people actually being mindful of speaking to people. The phones are losing their grip a little.

I am right there with those people. Tech has created the most connected isolation. I stopped all social media 9 months ago. I don't participate in it anymore. I ended it, and it  was a bit like having your own funeral and no one came. No one reached out. I reached out to a few of my friends, but most haven't reciprocated the gesture. It showed me I needed real-life friends, not pen pals. It's a painful lesson to not have invested time in real people that are around me. It's been a lonely year that has me thinking about the future and what the relationship with technology means. I don't have an answer, but it's certainly more top of mind than in the past.

My Mr. Hyde

It's just ADHD. It's JUST ADHD. Like having the label makes it easy to understand what to expect. It doesn't. It can be all consuming for the whole family when a child requires more. A bright child who's experience in this world is set to a 1000GB download, but they aren't able to organize that amount of information in a way that allows them to be successful. It's destructive. It destroys self esteem. It destroys calm. It destroys kids. It destroys parents. It makes everything harder.  It feels like constant chaos. I never know when tempers will flare. When will the yelling begin? The patience required isn't always there. The great stresses of life compound the complexity of dealing with a child who needs and requires more than there is to give. It is an incredibly lonely journey.

After a couple years of medication made day to day life more tolerable, it just stopped working. The improvements slipped away and then we were living with an angry, argumentative, little person again. Yeah, every kid gets angry and every kid argues, but this is more of it, more often, and more extreme. He's only 10 and under 100lb. He started yelling at a 6'3'' referee because he didn't like a call on his game. He yells at everyone, argues over the slightest things. He's hyper critical of everything, constantly negative, and controlling. Mix in some anxiety about how awful things could be in the worst possible scenario imaginable and that's the usual conversation.  It's so hard to be happy when that takes over a child. It's hard to want to spend time with a child that requires so much guidance. Some days I just don't have any more to give.

We tried adjusting the medication and adding a little bit more and it was just awful. A month of walking on eggshells. When was the next explosive outburst going to happen? I feel like so much time is spent mitigating. Eventually, he was switched to a different medication. It feels like I have my son back again. He's funny, happy, and intense. It's just taken so much to get there. We are back to trying to get into therapy again so we can be better parents and so he can have some strategies to approach things differently. I am just so afraid for what the future holds for this Dr Jekyll, Mr. Hyde scenario. Does this mean he will always have to be medicated to function socially?

Back to School

While I wasn't planning on homeschooling, it was an amazing experience. Just as unexpectedly as it began, my little girl headed back to school. I only signed up for one school because it was a public charter that was a lot like AltSchool. The lottery came and went for kindergartners. I completely forgot about it and then I received a notice that she was offered a spot. I asked her if she wanted to go back to school and she said yes. That was that and she was quickly enrolled.

We went to a summer playdate for her to meet some of the new kids. We talked to some parents and everyone loved the school. I don't think I've ever talked to so many parents that gushed over their school. Missy B started last week and she's doing so well. I was worried because she's so very shy, but she's participating in class and making new friends. I'm so proud of her. I know it's tough for her to put herself out there, but she's putting in the effort. She even got a recognition certificate from her teacher for being courageous! Woo-hoo! I hope it continues to be a positive experience for her.

Another good sign is that when they handed out their writing workbook, Missy B recognized that she'd already finished that workbook. The teacher just gave her the workbook for the next level, and said she'd work with her, together, on the new book. That is why it is so good to have 2 teachers in a classroom. Differentiation in place on the 2nd week?! That's a fantastic start.

My son will continue to homeschool. He has his online classes, an outdoor education day, and a homeschool group of classes for a day. I barely have to plan for him because his online classes have a full day worth of homework. I only have one day I need to plan for. My job just got so much easier too! Well, except for driving kids all over. The commute is back in full force.

Today, I literally had a moment where my eyes teared up because he's 10 and is taking physics. I never had the exposure or the opportunity to do what he's doing as kid. I'm so overwhelmingly happy that he can pursue academics that I know nothing about. I've never taken a class on meteorology or physics even though I love science. I get to learn some things right alongside him. It makes me proud that he's interested and engaged in challenging himself.

Welcome back to school!

The Darkness Settles

It's not at all easy to run your own business. Over the last 12 years, we grew to have employees, an office, and tons of work. Things were great and then the industry changed. Different technologies prevailed and the work changed to value utility more. We stood by our clients and were loyal enough to tell them when they needed to be future focused, or not create apps when it didn't make sense. Eventually, employees left. We didn't replace them. Our office wasn't needed, so we worked from home. The work was mostly coming from a single company, and then they turned their backs on us too.

We went through a rudderless period and entertained offers to merge with other companies. Those all fell through. It was a bitter time and the idea of having "friends" in business was met with distrust and suspicion. We no longer felt confident. Our relationship was suffering. Our business was struggling. It didn't seem like anything was working out.

I even started working in an office to try and see if I could handle working for someone else. It wasn't bad, and we needed to pay our bills. That lasted for months and got us out of a difficult financial situation. However, the business I was working for decided to pivot their business and I was no longer needed.

Mr. Cobra wanted to focus more on music and he put all he could into it. he was touring, writing, promoting, and then the band broke up. It wasn't something he could control and it was a devastating blow. Just one more person to turn their back.

We decided to lean into getting work and wrangled a few new clients. The new work was different and challenging. We honed our skills in other ways and pivoted our business to focus on niche skills instead of generalists. We had a great summer, but then all the work dried up. We had one client, and gave them so much more than they deserved. Then they backed out of their contract without paying. They got a 400% increase in traffic, but that apparently wasn't enough to pay their bills. That meant we couldn't pay our bills either.

The slow degradation is worse. The slow degradation tests your tolerance. If you have any sense of hope to latch on, it makes it harder to let go. We luckily went onto another project quickly, but it wasn't enough to catch up. The clients continue to pay later and later, if at all. We don't have any money to pursue them.

It's certainly different to be a parent and be put in a position where your kids suffer the consequences. It is one thing that the activities get pared down. It is a whole other when you don't have enough for groceries or barely enough gas in the car to cash the check when it finally comes.

We were exceptionally poor in college, so I know some tricks to getting by. You prioritize. You make sure you have a roof over your head above all else. You get to know the due dates of your bills, and how far you can push them before it's a problem. I thought that was all behind me, except it's been months of that now. A new dark reality.

Midyear, Time and Tests

Homeschooling has shifted over time. I used to spend hours crafting assignments and learning topics, but now I am tired, depressed, and just lacking the motivation I had months ago. The kids, on the other hand, have taken the to opportunity to lead the way. Now I can simply request an essay on a topic when I'm too busy with work. they will research and produce a piece that we can proofread and edit together. I can simply say, pick 5 pages out of a workbook. They don't pick the quickest 5 to do, they pick the 5 that are the most interesting to them. That's huge. They are learning because they want to and not because they have to. Well, ok, not all the time, but more and more often. We also tailor the lessons to current events and holidays, so on St. Patrick's Day, my son did and essay on St. Patrick. My daughter researched leprechauns. Couple that with some shamrock art and "Voila!" it's learning and creativity in action with 20 minutes of planning. Later, I spent an hour with my son going over his essay which is often what I do during lunch. Working and homeschooling can be done!

My son is also taking 2 online classes that both have 2-3 hours of homework per week, so I don't have to assign much for him to do. He also attends an outside day of homeschooling classes, so I only have 2 days a week to consider assignments for him. While it's awesome that I don't have to do so much, it also makes it hard to do the bigger topics that was fun to have both kids work together on. He's studying meteorology and really likes the class. I sat in and listened a couple of times and it is easily a high school level class with the depth of study. I found it very interesting! He's so fortunate to have opportunities like this. The other class he's taking is about the Middle Ages and utilizes the Horrible Histories books as the primary reading material. He now knows more about the Middle Ages than I was ever taught. He schooled me on the Crusades last week. He seems to really like the online classes, and I hope we can get the funds together to continue. He saw a class on botany and was interested in it. I asked him why he was interested in plants and he said "If I'm going to go to Mars, I need to know about plants, storms, and chemistry." Well, ok then interplanetary pioneer, you are one for three.

My daughter has fizzled a bit and some days is impossible to get anything out of. She can be so head strong and stubborn. I generally let her do very little on the day that her brother is out of the house. She draws a lot. She likes art projects. She builds things. She's a typical first grader in that respect, but she's already gone through nearly 2 years of curriculum. She's halfway through 3rd grade, so if she's not feeling like working, then I've been letting her relax more. She's just such an organized thinker who is fantastic at problem-solving. She's on the same trajectory as her brother, except she has nothing but encouragement to keep challenging herself. She skipped 1st grade and finished 2nd before the holidays. I'm sure she'll be done with 3rd by the end of May, so I'm letting her study science to slow things down. She loves art, animals, math, and science. She doesn't at all sound like me *sarcasm*.

Part of the reason I'm also feeling more relaxed about homeschooling is because I had them take the MAP test. I found a website, Affordable Homeschool Tests, that I could have them take the same out of level test they had taken last year. I wanted to see if I was doing a good job at teaching them. I was particularly interested in how far my son had come with some focus on math since he had lost all momentum for 2 years. When I got the results, I teared up a bit. They are thriving. My "first grade" daughter, who is technically too young for the test, is at a 3rd grade level in math and 5th grade in reading and language. My "4th grade" son is at a 9th grade level in reading and language and 7th in math. My son's math score shot up 20 points by getting the instruction he needed. Both kids have increased multiple grade levels. The test proxy recommended that my son take the middle school level test next time because he's hitting scores outside of the elementary school test. That proved I was doing a good job. Through all the stress, tears, sacrifice, and anxiety over not knowing whether we made the right choice, this was good evidence that our non-traditional approach is working.

I can't imagine them being stuck in age appropriate material. I don't know what next year holds. I haven't tried to place them in school next year. We aren't moving. We are hitting a personal financial crisis because work was so slow for 6 months. Well, work wasn't slow, we made a bad business decision, a client took advantage, and then decided to not pay us. That's the shitty part of being a small business. Being a husband and wife team though, that made it hard to even have money for food. Yeah, THAT bad. We had to drop all extracurricular activities. We barely managed to keep a roof over our head. It's been ridiculously hard, but things will change in a couple months. We learn from our mistakes and keep moving.

The Quiet, Fantastic Change into a Butterfly

Sometimes I think my husband and I thrive in messy chaos. When things are feeling a little too comfortable or ordinary, we feel compelled to rock the boat. Things have to get shaken up because the constant exposure to new experiences is what creativity thrives on. Collecting new perspectives and possibilities expand horizons.

Last year we started feeling that craving to change things. We talked about moving to another state. We even visited and loved the city, but the incredible amount of upheaval to family and business killed that venture quickly. We had to pause on it because our kids are incredibly sensitive. The thought of dumping them into a new school after it started was just not going work well for them. We agonized over how to line up the budget to move, the timing, and the sheer amount of work we had signed on to complete. It just wasn't meant to be.

Oh but, what about school? We had a terrible experience in the public school. We couldn't possibly put them in there. We can't afford private school tuition. We are stuck! Then it just clicked. Our only viable option left was to homeschool. I had done a ton of research on it the past couple of years. I knew the groups and some of the people. Ironically, we both just knew it was right. The stress fell away and we committed to doing it for a year to test if the balance of working and teaching is doable.

We started with a lazy schedule over the summer so they had camps as a backup when we were too busy. We never had to use the extra camps. It just fell into place much easier than I expected. The official school year started August 1st and it has been fantastic. The kids are motivated and get their work done. August was extremely busy for my husband and I, so the kids were left to their own devices. They would diligently work on their schoolwork while we worked in our home office. It took me a while to find their sweet spot on the workload, as well as where their instructional levels were. It's been relatively smooth sailing. We've fallen into this wonderful rhythm and everyone seems to be really happy.

The kids have a binder with a folder for each day (M-F) plus one for finished work. Every week I make a list of work to do for each day of the week. They have workbooks that I give them pages to do to cover the basics. They also have interest-based projects that they work on. Whenever I can, I bring their interests into assignments. For example, Missy B loves animals, so she picked giraffes to research and built a diorama. Dexter spent his allowance money on a walkman, so I had him create a Venn diagram of what's the same and different between an iPod and a walkman.

One of the most exciting aspects of homeschooling is that we can piece together classes and resources to allow them to dive deeply into things. Dexter is taking an online graphic design class. He is a fan of the Gotham typeface and knows what a slab serif is! There aren't many 9 year olds that would even care about those things. Brixton is taking a STEAM class and is learning about science and creativity in a super fun way. We raised caterpillars into butterflies and let them go in a butterfly garden we planted. They kept a journal of their observations and a calendar of the process of metamorphosis. I'm having just as much fun as they are and that's the way learning should be.

I don't know what the future holds; if our business can withstand the reduced hours we can work; if the kids will continue to be so intrinsically motivated; if they will ever want to go back to a normal school after having so much freedom; or if they will get too far ahead; or if they will become as isolated and lonely as I already feel. I don't know those things, but I know that right now, this is what is what we all need. We need a fantastic change in hopes that what comes next will be beautiful.

Sorry means not doing it again, and again, and again.

An 18 month gap. Yeah, it's been a while. I haven't felt writing. Dexter had a wonderful year of school for 2nd grade and then last year was terrible. It took an emotional toll. He's older, his emotions are more sophisticated. He went in nervous because he changed to a new campus, but he had a friend who joined him in the move. That eased things at first.

The academics started well, but evolved over the year into things that really disinterested him. Although, they tried to pull him back in using games, he just wasn't engaged in the subject matter. The teachers determined the subjects which were so humanities or philanthropic that it was hard to dig in. The ideas for projects were grandiose and the structure wasn't there to support good output. It was assignments like make a game and we'll show you how to code without ever discussing game mechanics. That ended up with a lot of frustration because how do you make a game out of homelessness that a kid enjoys? It wasn't nearly as child-lead as last year. That combined with the emotional upheaval he was experiencing really didn't make the year successful. We were going to move out of state, and then couldn't because of the timing on our projects at work. We were still going to leave that school no matter where we were. His best friend was mean to him him because he couldn't deal with the fact that Dexter wouldn't be around. It was frenemies at it's finest and Dexter was a mess.

He came out of school convinced he was the trouble-maker. His attention issues became more noticeable. He lashed out at others. He was so challenging at home. Simple requests turned into enraged arguments. I felt like he'd argue even if you asked him if he wanted ice cream. I can't even begin to explain how exhausting it is trying to rationalize nearly every request. We did more testing and more therapy with a therapist that pretty much made us feel like we were the problem. We needed to do this or that and what we were doing was negating his feelings. I mean we were really struggling with nearly daily arguments of an hour or more. Huge blowouts that would last hours and end up with everyone in tears and feeling raw. We couldn't get the help we needed and dealing with a kid that was upending the whole family's life. We couldn't even go out of the house because if we tried to go anywhere, we'd inevitably have to pull the car over because of an argument. Finally, one of the tests came back with very strong indicators that it wasn't us. I felt fucking vindicated… and relieved.

Inspired Parenting

Be good parents by letting kids fail.

Let them be dangerous to learn their limits. (within reason)

Value resiliency and persistence over always winning.

Trying new things is more valuable than sticking to what you're best at.

Be open to new experiences.

To make and do is better than to sit and watch.

Who Gnu?

My son has been on a kick for playing the rhyming game in the car. We played for 15 minutes just on words that rhyme with "tattoo". One of the words he said was "The animal, gnu." How the hell does he know that? How many people know what a gnu is? 

Then he beat me - at freaking rhyming words with "boot". It is so embarrassing to get beat by a 7yo at a little kid game. I need to start him on Scrabble because I can still win that. I'm a better speller… for now.

He's always been good at games. At 3yo, he was playing Cut-the-Rope and levelling up. I was amazed at the time, that he could complete logic puzzles. At a friend's house, they had a bunch of games that were really cool because their daughter was a couple years older. He could not only play them, he was adept at solving and winning them — even if he had rarely, if ever, played them.

As a parent, though, it's a little weird to get beat by a little kid. I shouldn't be getting beat by a 7yo! I'm okay at games. I don't particularly like them for some reason. It's probably my perfectionism that prevents me from enjoying them. I don't like to lose! t's an exercise in humility. I think if he played more unsuspecting adults that don't know him, it might be a little funny to watch. I'll have to arrange that to happen at some point. In the meantime, I should take him to the monthly board game meetups that with outlier kids in the Bay Area. That will challenge him a bit more than mom and dad!

It is a pretty awesome feeling though, because I am so very proud of him. It demonstrates his intelligence in ways academic tests can't effectively measure. He learns quickly, efficiently, and thinks strategically. He thinks about the big picture and is a creative problem-solver. It comes easily to him. He doesn't realize it yet, but his ability to assess a lot of information and derive solutions from it, is extraordinarily valuable. It isn't rote fact memorization or solving problems that have definitive answers. It involves those things for sure, but he has something that isn't easy to teach. It will serve him well as our values move beyond information retention and into information conduction.

As parents, we probably recognize this ability because it is part of what we do for a living - creative problem-solving. I've worked with a lot of people and it is a rare skill to think at a birdseye view. To see and make connections that aren't always apparent. Some people can just think through problems and solve them with intriguing reasoning without jumping hoops to get there. I just hope he pursues his skill for the good of humanity and not to just hawk someone else's products like we do. (I think I'm verging on my mid-life crisis a couple years early.)